writing

poems

The grandmaster - 1/10/24

In the in between I get caught
In the in between
Not the road and not the car
But the window
I think I'm hallucinating
Because I can't focus
On my driving
But instead on the
Scratches and cracks
Sliding with light
From the light poles

Threads of wonder
Infinitesimal and sharp
Stretching past my vision
Clear strands on the windshield
Lit up with light from the light poles
I thought I was hallucinating
But no
Each thread belonged
To the maker of silk
Dancing in the center
Of the window
Not the road and not the car
In the in between the spider was caught
In the in between

My Fortress - 1/10/24

In my fortress I hid in safety from
the sea, the sky, the waves
There no turbulence could ruin me
No blizzard could blister me
No ocean could devour me
And in my safety I got certainty
Though joy was locked away

Day in, day out, always protected from
The sea, the sky, the waves
Why risk, when here I stood instead
Judging them to be, simply unfit
Wrong and bad, terrible for all
By my fortress I felt bigger
Yet my fingers reached out,
Lonely and never sated

Damn them
The sea, the sky, the waves
They only bring destruction
And those without a fortress too
Should build one or perish
Reality is right and wrong
Right and wrong is safe
And safe means life
Right?

My friends depart, one by one
No fortress needed, not for them
The sky, the sea, the waves
Bear down on them
Shape them
Scorch them
Yet still all pass
Scathed yet smiling

What if I step away
And decide for myself? Oh no,
The nausea, the pain, the horror
What if I was wrong all along?
Harsh reality slices me, exposed
What if I die here, naked on my rock?
I'm screaming and afraid
Desperately seeking familiar shelter
Rock crumbling beneath, all I see are
The sky, the sea, the waves

With nothing left I finally ask
What might they be like?
Am I ready to accept?
Letting go of the ruins and rubble
I fall into, thrilled
The sky, the sea, the waves
They burn me, relentless reshape me
Yet this joy I find here is liberating
And it's intoxicating to be

Now immersed and thriving
I can finally see
My fortress was never safety
It only shelters me,
Blocking out the truth
That I too, just like everyone else,
am infinitesimally small, and part of
The sky, the sea, the waves

Fuck red or blue - 12/11/23

They said she had a red shell
"it determines your side
Red team blue team
These are the lines
Defend them, alright?"

Live by the rules
The reds and I
Don't let em shake up
The lines, the lies
Might break binary
Set something free

All around her she sees
Shoving each other
"Get back in line
Get back in the shell
No one will love you
Without a red shell"

A can of worms
Is blue under red shells?
Or purple, not just two

She don't want a shell at all
how do shells even work
She don't wanna try

They keep saying
"Sure look red to me
Red shells do this
What? No. Can't do that
That's for blues to do
Only creeps go into that bathroom
Two sides means no purple
No sense without a shell
How else to take a piss?
You stupid piece of shit"

Wearily she paints herself red
This must be her shell
Shoved any who dared
To disturb the lines, lies, sides
She knows what is
And what isn't
Better than anyone
If she can't leave
How dare they try?

We're all hiding in
Two kinds of shells
Must be why no one sees
There might be more to me
So swallow my heart
In fate, in darkness,
Sealed in red paint
Chained behind a shell

She wandered, began to see
Cracks in the shells
Light's coming through
Shells painted rainbows
Shells in the shitter
Longing, despairing
Fixated, studying
Captivated, transfixed
Transposed

Wait
Are we hiding in
Two kinds of shells?
By now can't let them see
There might be more to me
Gotta swallow my heart
In fate, in darkness,
Sealed in red paint
Chained behind a shell

The red hurts, please stop
Screaming she paints herself blue
Shouting at the top of her lungs
"I'm blue now, I tried it your way
But I can't anymore
Don't hurt me, please"

Hiding behind blue
I begin to find
Blue shell's the same weight
As the red shell I tried
Wait, do I even have a shell?
Or a color?
Did I look at myself at all
or did I just try to fit in

Yeah, we don't need em
These colored shells
Come and look and you'll see
There's so much more to me
I follow my heart
And dreams, in spectrums
Freed from the paint,
Gained from no shell

But why stop there
We can have stars, or glitter
Or neon hues
Wind, and rain, and stardust too
We're so much more than shells, red, or blue

Daily bruises make good scars - 12/11/23

I hid my bruises
Wearing lies and lack of scrutiny
Dysphoria is my bruise
Short fuse with a binder
Cruising in a crown of thorns
Protecting me from maladies

I hide myself behind screens
Swapping faces, money taking
Hungry for a bit of normal
Oh to be the bully this time

Hypocrite, you can't run from yourself
You can't be something you never were
You can't be normal
You're bruised
Try to hide it, sure
Don't let them in
Don't let them see
Soon I'm all alone
Neither he nor she
Comfort I knew is gone
Too short hair, razor teeth

Every morning I face my face
Hiding wear and tear
Under the concealer, a beard
and my teeth hurt

Is this what life's about?
Catch my breath and sit out
Scratch off the siding
Itch is strong this time

Bruises fade, now
Just two white lines
A patchwork of rippled
Healed skin on my chest
I show my scars
Wearing pride with sudden clarity
Nonbinary a north star
Fusion with a con-struct
Cruising, a crown adorned
Labeless for all to see

songs

Heart to heart

I think it's time we talked
about this thing we have
I hope there's enough time
to talk about it now
(I can't let it stop me)

I know we never talk
about this thing we have
There's never enough time
to talk about it now
(I won't let that stop me)

Its time for us to go now
Farther than we've ever gone before
And I don't care anymore

Cause my heart keeps ticking
Ticking with you
Ticking, ticking with you

No time for second chances
When all that we have will slip away
But I don't care anymore

When my heart keeps ticking
Ticking with you
I think I'm sticking
Sticking by you

Is it too late to talk
about this thing we have
We're running out of time
to talk about it now
(So what's stopping me)

While my heart keeps ticking
I'm sticking with you
Sticking, I'm taken with you
While my heart beats I'm
Taken with you

Taken, taken with you

Lifeguard
(CW: drowning)

The ocean in your eyes
Takes me there again
How can I trust what I see
When I know exactly where it will lead

You came too close to me
Faked me out again
I won't test the water, no

'Cause you caught me
between the devil and the deep blue sea

Pull me under
Take me down
What kind of lifeguard
Lets you drown

I can't breathe so
I take a deep breath instead
Guess I'll take one for the team
Because I have already filled with lead

Pull me under
Take me down
What kind of lifeguard
Lets you down

short stories

• Finding Paradise
  A story about a dog who finds solace in his local community when he can no longer adventure:
  link


• The Story of the Plushikins
  The pain of adulthood - How an abandoned stuffed toy reconnects with life after losing her only friend, written for Furcadia based on its lore:
  link


• "Swipe" short film script
  (CW: homophobia, transphobia, eating animals
  [this was written before i went vegan]):
  link


• "Sorry" short story
  (CW: death, suicide):
  link